Satire
CEO to Karen from Events “Splurge on This Year’s Holiday Party,” Hands Her Nineteen Wet Dollars
Tech N’ Tech, a New York City-based tech start-up that absolutely does tech-related tech venture capital tech just raised a $32.5 million seed round this past Monday. To celebrate, their CEO, John Whitman, handed Karen from events nineteen wet dollar bills and told her to really “splurge on this year’s holiday party.”
Read MoreBREAKING NEWS: High School to Perform All-White Version of Grease
Riding the lukewarm response from their all-white versions of Bye Bye Birdie (’18), Little Shop of Horrors (’17), and their mostly-white version of Into the Woods (’16), Middlebury High School announces their all-white production of Grease—set to premiere this fall. When asked why she insists on producing all-white musicals, Cindy Fleming, the head of Middlebury’s…
Read MoreWedding Valet Actually Just Uncle Proving He Can Parallel Park
Janelle Barnes and her soon-to-be husband, Thomas Wright, did not hire a valet for their wedding last Sunday, but when Anne Marie Jacobs, 34, arrived at the ceremony, she was greeted by a middle-aged man telling her to “Just get out. I’ll do it.” The man, dressed in a Life is Good t-shirt and cargo shorts ended up parking nearly every car at the event and continued doing so well into the ceremony. “I don’t know why I just handed him my keys,” Jacobs, a cousin of the bride, told reporters. “He was—aggressively—friendly.” It wasn’t until hours later when Jacobs noticed the, now suited, man performing a striptease for a tent pole, that he probably wasn’t the valet.
Read MoreBest Man Shocked Unplanned Wedding Toast Didn’t Absolutely Kill It
“Do I look like the kind of guy that needs to prepare a speech?” Doug Mandel, 29, reportedly asked his fellow groomsmen before taking five whiskey shots and delivering an entirely off-the-cuff toast that guests describe as “sweaty,” and “the only thing worse than the catering.”
Read MoreBREAKING: Secret to Life Discovered in E-mail Chain Nobody Read
The secret to life has been discovered in an e-mail dated June 20th, 2009 and labeled IMPORTANT PLEASE READ. The e-mail, by Maria Rodriguez to eighteen of her colleagues, allegedly went unread for the better part of a decade until one of them went hunting for photos from a team building exercise from the same…
Read MoreTalented Nephew Robbed of Tony Nom Due to Not Getting Cast in Anything, Says Aunt
Diane Robbins, 52, a registered nurse at MassGeneral Hospital in Boston, MA and aunt of Michael Peterson, 29, is boycotting the Tony Awards. “It’s a ruse,” she says. Up-in-arms due to the fact that her incredibly talented nephew was robbed of a Tony Award Nomination for the eighth consecutive year, Robbins doesn’t understand why no…
Read MoreHigh School Drama Teacher Wants Everyone To Know That He Absolutely Chose This Life
Insulted by allegations that his career as a high school drama teacher is anything but a dream, Paul Clark, 49, would like everyone to know that his profession is, in no way, a plan B. Clark, who teaches six sections of Spanish II in addition to his two sections of Drama 101 and heading the…
Read MoreGame of Thrones to Change Ending In Order to Satisfy Fans’ Blood-thirst
After the premiere of the final season of HBO’s hit show Game of Thrones on Sunday, it appears that head writers David Benioff and D.B. Weiss are heading back to the drawing board to rework the ending. “There’s not enough death,” Benioff told reporters, reacting to fans grievances about the “boring” premiere. “They only want…
Read MoreHow to Become a Successful Artist in Three Easy Steps
1.) Step One Prior to entering the consciousness of our world, ensure that, when you breach, you do so at an angle so as to behold the full glory of the sun. For best results, stare directly into its warmth for a minimum of ten unblinking minutes as you whisper the secret of the universe…
Read MoreComedy Scene Unsafe for Straight White Men Says Straight White Male Comedian
“I have a point of view too,” Scaletta told reporters while crying over his seventh slice of dollar pizza. Two months after leaving his career in finance behind, Joseph Scaletta, 29, of Brooklyn, is beginning to rethink his decision to pursue comedy full-time. It’s not the hustle, Scaletta says, which he’s used to—he put in…
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