Janelle Barnes and her soon-to-be husband, Thomas Wright, did not hire a valet for their wedding last Sunday, but when Anne Marie Jacobs, 34, arrived at the ceremony, she was greeted by a middle-aged man telling her to “Just get out. I’ll do it.” The man, dressed in a Life is Good t-shirt and cargo shorts ended up parking nearly every car at the event and continued doing so well into the ceremony. “I don’t know why I just handed him my keys,” Jacobs, a cousin of the bride, told reporters. “He was—aggressively—friendly.” It wasn’t until hours later when Jacobs noticed the, now suited, man performing a striptease for a tent pole, that he probably wasn’t the valet.
As it turns out, the man in question was uncle-of-the-groom, Martin “Marty” Sullivan, 57—an electrician from Worcester, MA. Sullivan, who is best known for his ability to make any impression racist, was neither asked nor told to help the event in any way, but that didn’t stop him from showing up to the ceremony three hours early with a small cooler of Bud Light and pieces of a bike that he had been fixing for his nephew for twelve years.
Apparently, it was an argument that occurred earlier that day with his daughter, Danielle, 16, at a Shell gas station off I-91 that motivated Sullivan’s persistence in parking 50 cars tightly into one corner of the three-acre grass lot just steps from the venue. Sullivan allegedly got too close to another parked car. “He hit it. He hit the car. There were a million empty spots but he wanted to ****ing parallel park because I literally have no clue why,” Danielle told reporters.
The “valet” parking, which Sullivan called “the most efficient parking that anyone has ever seen,” later posed a problem when people couldn’t leave because they were blocked in by rows of cars or their batteries died after lights were left on. Sullivan refused to apologize to anyone, “They need to lighten up. It’s a party. Why are they going home? I brought a tent.”
When asked for comment, Sullivan’s wife, Lisa, had these words “He slept in his tent.”
Though this story is entirely fake news and all material within is a fabrication of the writer’s imagination, Town Stages is a real-life event space in Tribeca with a mission to support under-valued and under-represented voices in the arts. Click here to learn more about the space or to book a tour.