“Do I look like the kind of guy that needs to prepare a speech?” Doug Mandel, 29, reportedly asked his fellow groomsmen before taking five whiskey shots and delivering an entirely off-the-cuff toast that guests described as “sweaty,” and “the only thing worse than the catering.”
“He was supposed to have written an outline,” said groom, John Whitman, 29. “He said he wrote an outline.” Mandel, however, was convinced that his partial completion of three improv classes and propensity for inappropriate (if unrelated) one-liners would be enough to hold a crowd’s attention on the biggest day of his best friend’s life. According to fellow groomsman Ryan Leonard, 31, however, “It was worse than I ever imagined. It was so quiet you could hear his indigestion.”
The speech, which totaled more than twenty minutes in length, comprised almost entirely of vague metaphors, recycled material from Mandel’s short-lived stand-up career, and raucous tales from their time spent at UMass Amherst’s Pi Kappa Omega. “Let’s just say that I learned a lot about my son’s behavior when I’m not around,” said mother of the groom, Jane Whitman, 57, who was particularly aghast when Mandel mimed impregnating her mother’s face.
Highlights from the speech include Mandel standing on a chair and weeping while performing an a cappella rendition of Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin and a three minute moment of silence for Whitman’s “deceased” Mario Kart career. “I could have told you it was going to be a disaster,” said Leonard. “You can’t reign in Dougie. If he doesn’t get the reaction he wants he just tries harder—which usually means crowd-work.” Mandel’s crowd-work included attempting the wave, an interview section asking people where they were from, and a “Biggie D” chant which lasted until Mandel knocked himself unconscious attempting to do the worm.
When asked for comment, Mandel told reporters, “It was probably one of the best speeches that has ever happened ever. If nobody got it, it’s because they weren’t supposed to. That speech was for my brother—Johnny Boy.”
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