“If I didn’t kill Karen during that DIY wedding in Long Island, just give me the nuclear codes now,” Simmons told reporters this past Sunday.
Ashley Simmons, 32, the owner and founder of Really Truly Premiere Events, a locally-sourced, free-range event planning service in NYC, officially announced her intention to run for the highest political seat in America this past Sunday. The announcement came shortly after Simmons successfully threw a nautical-themed bridal shower for 30 guests that the vast majority of attendees described as “good.”
“I just thought if I can make stripes not overwhelm a theme, why not me? Oprah’s not going to,” Simmons told reporters during an Instagram photo-shoot in the middle of SoHo’s Mercer Street. “Plus, I think it’s time for someone that people actually like to be in office,” she added in-between shouting at drivers trying to get by.
Ms. Simmons believes that replacing whatever “legit idiot” is in office won’t be difficult with the skills that she’s honed as an event planner. “Have you thrown a bachelorette party in 36 hours?” she asked reporters before spending 25 minutes describing why her “patented” color-coding system is the meditative tool that Washington needs to be productive. Adamant that the American economy as “a true disaster,”
Addressing her mother, Dr. Simmon’s, a Professor of Sociology at Columbia University, concern that the undertaking might perhaps be a bit naive, Ms. Simmons said that “2028 is far away” so she gave herself “plenty of lead-up” and that she “loves being underestimated”—noting that Really Truly Premiere Events has 30K followers on any social media platform of importance. “I’m not just a wedding planner. I do galas too. So—I’m just going to do this how I do everything: to my personal standards of excellence. I get that it’s my baggage, but I only trust myself to do things right.”
The twelve unpaid interns currently spending their semesters learning at Really Truly Premiere Events had no comment about Ms. Simmons announcement. It appeared that Sarah#2 was attempting to communicate something to reporters via what looked like Morse code, but she stopped once her boss came in the room.
To date, Ms. Simmons is the most qualified person to declare their intention to run in 2028, but full-time Manhattan real estate agent, part-time personal trainer, Jeremy Nash, 36, is favorited to win. His hit slogan, “I Hate Lazy,” is stirring the hearts of mediocre Americans everywhere.
Though this post is entirely fake news and all material within is a fabrication of the writer’s imagination, Town Stages is a real-life event space in Tribeca with a mission to support under-valued and under-represented voices in the arts. Click here to learn more about the space or to book a tour.