Following the release of Netflix’s new show, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, a four-ton mass of worthless household garbage has been found somewhere off the coast of North America. The island was discovered by Rhode Island fisherman Jimmy O’Brien, 62, who came upon the floating pile of human regret this past Saturday and describes the experience as utterly “bone-chilling.” (O’Brien had spent the previous three weeks at sea looking for mercury-free tuna fish to feed his family of twelve.)
“There was absolutely no joy on that island. None,” O’Brien told reporters as he stared vacantly over the open ocean. “It was like you could feel all the resentment—all the tears—all the suffering that went into throwing away each and every graphic t-shirt.”
Scientists, who are now studying the trash island, report that its steady growth is directly correlated to the number of Americans embracing a simpler lifestyle, though they are unsure as to why the island maintains a temperature 20 degrees cooler than its surroundings. O’Brien, however, believes he knows. “It’s the lack of joy, obviously. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know the devil is in those there Christmas ornaments and Beanie Babies.”
Three days after his run-in with the island of joyless things, O’Brien seemed in better spirits. “I might not be bringing home any tuna, but I am bringing back this cookie-scented candle,” O’Brien laughed. “And you bet we’re watching Scarface tonight.”
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