FYRE Festival Creator Rebrands As Bar Mitzvah Planner, David Goldstein Bitterly Disappointed

The thirteen-year-old is suing for $25,000 in mental anguish, theft, and lost friends.

Billy McFarland / David Goldstein

The founder of FYRE Media Inc., William “Billy” McFarland, 27, has denied allegations of defrauding David Goldstein, 13, on what was supposed to be the day of his becoming a man, which Goldstein now refers to as “Shut up. I don’t want to talk about it.” This new lawsuit comes months after McFarland’s conviction of defrauding FYRE Festival investors of over $27 million.

Goldstein told reporters that after everything that happened, he needs McFarland to “pay up and eat a bag of really ugly dicks don’t write that down I know all dicks are ugly” after both Sarah H. and Phoebe M. had arrived at the rite-of-passage celebration under the assumption that chart-topping rap sensation Cardi B would be performing and what showed up instead was “a gym sock on a broom.” “They skipped soccer practice,” Goldstein grieved, taking a long hit of his Jewel.

Despite “how punchable his face was” Goldstein took a chance on McFarland because of the “jail thing.” “I mean, it’s basically a dance for middle schoolers, how bad could it be?” Unfortunately, Goldstein underestimated McFarland’s ability to “take a literal dump” on his big day. “There was a pile of cocaine up to here,” Goldstein said pointing to his knee. “But there wasn’t even a cake—just a stale Entenmann’s Danish.”

“Crazy hype” for Goldstein’s party started to infiltrate Oxford Academy Middle School after phone conversations between Goldstein and McFarland (via the prison’s ICS) were leaked on Jessica F.’s Instagram page. “The whole school was lit, but when we got to the reception it was just a pile of garbage,” a classmate who preferred to remain anonymous decried. “And that’s not a simile.”

The event was indeed held in what attendees described as a “swimming pool” of garbage located in a gated lot on an unmarked corner of lower Manhattan. A 7′ tall man in a ski mask ushered guests into the party by cutting the fence with a chainsaw, but not before asking guests to drop their gifts in a box tied to a drone, hovering over his head.

Dinner was a cold piece of brisket with an unmelted piece of American cheese on top that got dropped from a jet that passed overhead, which Goldstein described as “the only cool thing about the party, but not kosher.”

Erica L. is currently at Beth Israel Hospital after stepping on a hypodermic needle during the traditional celebratory dance, the Hora, for which a chair was constructed by duck taping an old hubcap to four rotting 2×4’s. Our thoughts go out to her and her family. Erica L.’s father says he is unsure whether the family plans to sue “the [redacted] walking advertisement for white-privilege” Adding, “And I’m a [redacted] billionaire.”

Although most parents in attendance describe the experience as something straight out of William Golding’s The Lord of the Flies, there were some positive affirmations about the night. Goldstein’s Uncle Jake quite literally could not stop himself from raving to reporters about how “much of a blast” the party was. It’s worth noting that he had neither slept nor changed his clothes since.

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Though this post is entirely fake news and all material within is a fabrication of the writer’s imagination, Town Stages is a real-life event space in Tribeca with a mission to support under-valued and under-represented voices in the arts. Click here to learn more about the space or to book a tour.



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